Hey there. I was just wondering if you could tell me your opinions on Jennifer Lawrence?
Tony Alamo Christian Ministries: I have no idea who that is.
You know who Jennifer Lawrence is! She just won the Best Actress Oscar? She was the one who tripped on the stairs when she was going to get her award, and it was adorable?
This is Tony Alamo Christian Ministries. This is a church.
You didn’t see the Oscars this year?
Did you call us because you have nothing better to do? Let me just say, real quick, the Lord’s coming back. Very soon. And He’s not gonna ask you how many movies you saw or which celebrities you knew. He’s gonna ask you what you did for his son, Jesus. He died on the cross, and He did that just for you, and that’s what we preach.
Wait, are you doing that thing where people pretend they don’t know what someone or something is to seem cool? Like, my friend is really cerebral and is into a bunch of obscure old music, and one time he claimed he didn’t know who the Spice Girls are. Which, obviously, is bullshit.
Did you hear anything that I just said?